Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
