he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
how drunk are you?
Several
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
