Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
