trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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