When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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