At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
