So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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