What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
