Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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