is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
