i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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