Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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