god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
