Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Every concussion has its silver lining
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
