I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
