He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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