ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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