Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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