I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It's never too late to be topless.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
