This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
