I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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