I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
