Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize