Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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