Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
