just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
