I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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