I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i barfeds in our rink
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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