Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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