I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
