So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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