if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
