did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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