I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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