my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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