Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
