Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
No I am not eating basil off your cock
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Alive.
So much puke
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
