dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
