I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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