I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize
