Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize