you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize