hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
