is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
