Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
