True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize