If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
