I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
