you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
