I understand why you refuse to be sober now
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
