wanna go halves on a baby?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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