I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I know her cup size but not her name....
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