so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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