Betty ford says i'm here all night
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
