I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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